Written on
June 27, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Health Magazine show how making some effort leads to making your marriage last.
Kate Stinchfield explains 9 ways to a happy, healthy marriage (excerpt):
1. Watch your waistline
2. Have a financial plan
3. Figure out your family rules
4. Make sex a priority — but not a chore
5. Be flexible
6. Stay active as you age
7. Gab (a little) to your friend
8. Rediscover each other as a couple, sans kids
9. Be a conscious caregiver
Posted in Relationships 
2 Comments »
Written on
June 26, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Smart Money shows how making joint decisions can cost less and feel better.
Aleksandra Todorova writes (excerpt):
The goal of collaborative divorce is to avoid that. “In a collaborative divorce, the decisions have to be made by the couple,” Stoner says. The two sides and their attorneys meet together and talk until they reach an agreement everyone deems fair. They agree to provide all information — such as financial records — voluntarily, rather than having their lawyers gather evidence. As a result, collaborative divorce can be significantly less expensive, Stoner says. Costs vary depending on the case, but while a typical litigated divorce could run as high as $150,000, collaborative would be closer to the $15,000 to $20,000 range, according to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).
Posted in Collaborative Divorce No Comments »
Written on
June 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Bloomberg shows how persuasion requires explanation and gives 3 tips for becoming a more effective communicator.
John Baldoni writes (excerpt):
Define what it is. The purpose of an explanation is to describe the issue, the initiative, or the problem. . . .
Define what it isn’t. Here is where the leader moves into the “never assume mode.” Be clear to define the exclusions. . . .
Define what you want people to do. This becomes an opportunity to issue the call for action. Establishing expectations is critical. . . .
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
June 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Smart Money declares the top 5 divorce mistakes and highlights divorce mediation in the process.
Stacey L. Bradford writes (excerpt):
4. Rushing to Court
The fastest way to run up those hourly attorney fees is to go to court. While a regular divorce costs around $8,000, one that goes to trial can easily run upwards of $20,000, says Emily Doskow, author of “Nolo’s Essential Guide to Divorce.” Unless you have a very complicated divorce, the vast majority of couples are better off reaching a settlement through their lawyers.
Divorce mediation, in which a neutral third party helps a couple negotiate an agreement, is an even cheaper alternative for folks who can still bare to sit at the same table. Doskow estimates it costs about half as much as a contested divorce. But the expense isn’t the only reason she’s a proponent. “I like mediation because it keeps the decision making with the people who are most invested in it,” she says.
Posted in Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
June 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN & CareerBuilder offer tips for mixing family and career.
Jason Ferrara writes (excerpt):
1. Communicate
Don’t reserve your open dialogues only for your boss. Make sure you’re talking to your family about what’s happening at work . . . .
2. Keep a master family calendar
Have one calendar that lists every family member’s schedule to prevent double-booking or missed events. . . .
3. Clock out for a few hours
. . . Put down the BlackBerry and step away from the e-mail until your children are asleep. . . .
4. Make an appointment … with your children
. . . [S]et up quality time that others have to schedule around.
5. Bring the family to work
If your work environment is family-friendly, take advantage of it . . . .
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
June 22, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Wall Street Journal shows how “gatekeeper” mothers can help or hinder the involvement of fathers.
Sue Shellenbarger writes (excerpt):
Some ideas on avoiding the gatekeeping trap:
Skills training. . . . In the hospital after childbirth, Mr. Edwards already knew how to soothe his baby to sleep while his wife recuperated, a good start toward being “a lot more than the guy who carries stuff.”
Peer support. Men are quicker to plunge into fathering when supported by other men. . . .
Awareness. Simply becoming conscious of gatekeeping and its hazards equips some couples to avoid it. . . .
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
June 21, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Parade Magazine shares some fatherly advice from our President.
President Barack Obama writes (excerpt):
. . . When we work hard, treat others with respect, spend within our means, and contribute to our communities, those are the lessons our children learn. And that is what so many fathers are doing every day—coaching soccer and Little League, going to those school assemblies and parent-teacher conferences, scrimping and saving and working that extra shift so their kids can go to college. They are fulfilling their most fundamental duty as fathers: to show their children, by example, the kind of people they want them to become.
****
On this Father’s Day, I am recommitting myself to that work, to those duties that all parents share: to build a foundation for our children’s dreams, to give them the love and support they need to fulfill them, and to stick with them the whole way through, no matter what doubts we may feel or difficulties we may face. That is my prayer for all of us on this Father’s Day, and that is my hope for this nation in the months and years ahead.
Posted in Families/Children, General 1 Comment »
Written on
June 17, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Attorney Mike Mastracci shares Dr. Paul Wanio’s tips for understanding guilt in divorce:
Nobody’s perfect and that’s OK.
Everyone makes mistakes, even when they’re doing their best.
Divorce is like death in that you and your children need to grieve for the losses divorce entails. Be there for your children, listen to them and try to be understanding. Let your children know it’s OK to have strong emotions and encourage them to talk about them.
Negative comments made by your child may be an expression of distress, not criticism. Blaming you is a coping mechanism.
Accept that change never happens as quickly as you’d like it too. Be patient.
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
June 13, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Dr. Deborah Hecker.com/ published tips for living together separately after the divorce; many suggestions would work well for that time period when a divorce is filed or imminent but neither spouse has relocated:
Be civil and respectful at all times.
Both parties and their children must be clear that the arrangement is temporary. There can be no mixed messages or false hopes for reconciliation. If that cannot be achieved, the arrangement may be inappropriate.
Discuss the time frame. Is there a specific date to move? If not, how will they know when it is time? What happens if one person wants to leave prior to the agreed time?
Set up arrangements for sharing household expenses. If there is no legal settlement, decide what money is shared and what is separate.
Be clear about how physical space will be used. If needed, make a schedule for exclusive use of certain rooms.
Agree on the way to describe the living arrangements to friends and family.
Create ground rules for bringing other people into the house.
If children are involved, identify the co-parenting arrangements.
Agree on dating and bringing new partners into the house.
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
June 10, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Attorney Mike Mastracci shared 6 principles for putting your children first:
Avoid playing the blame game. Don’t blame your ex for the divorce, for lack of money, or for the loss of your home or possessions. Your problems with your spouse are adult issues that shouldn’t be aired in front of the children. Don’t use the blame game to drive a wedge between your children and your spouse. Your children deserve the love of both parents.
Respect your spouse. Children are not a bargaining chip. Do not use your children to put pressure your spouse. Your spouse is equally entitled to enjoy a close personal relationship with the children. Focus on what your children need, not on your own hurt. And remember that your spouse is hurting too. Try to see things from your spouse’s perspective.
Respect your child. Never use your children to spy on your spouse or deliver messages. Any issues you have with your spouse are adult problems; deal with them yourself. Never threaten to deny your child access to the other parent as punishment. Your children deserve the unconditional love and support of both parents.
Tell your child you love him. During separation or divorce, children need constant reassurance that you love them. If you become angry with your child, tell him you love him, then focus your comments on the undesirable action, not the child.
Keep your promises. Divorce and separation shatter a child’s trust. Keeping your promises to your child slowly rebuilds the bond that lets your child know he can count on you.
Focus on the future. Accept the life changes that separation or divorce bring and look upon it as an opportunity to create a better, happier life. Be realistic; don’t encourage reunion fantasies. Waiting for something that will never happen prevents your child from moving forward. As you embrace your new life, your children will be empowered by the positive changes they observe.
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
June 9, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN shows us the difference between controlling the outcome and controlling how we face the outcome.
Peter Bregman writes (excerpt):
So here’s the good news: You can change your results by changing your mind-set. When Dweck trained children to view themselves as capable of growing their intelligence, they worked harder, more persistently, and with greater success on math problems they had previously abandoned as unsolvable.
Posted in Relationships, Something Different, General No Comments »
Written on
June 6, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Dr. Deborah Hecker provides these suggestions for understanding and meeting the needs of their children:
The “best interests of the children” does not mean the immediate gratification of the client and his/her need for me-me-me. Over and over again, the focus should be pro-child and centered on building a safety net for the children.
Children must be kept out of the middle – not just during the divorce proceedings but every day, no matter, how old the child, how challenging the circumstance, or how much the soon-to-be former spouse is despised.
Parents must learn to put aside their stresses, to compartmentalize their adult conflicts and to remain present and available to the children.
Raising a healthy child is a team sport that requires active contribution and collaboration from both parents. Success or failure depends largely on the cooperation, communication and coordination of mother and father.
Some of the emotional hurdles that clients have to overcome include; unresolved grief over the failed marriage, resentment and competitiveness, and territoriality over the children.
Children are not unaware of their surroundings. They easily pick up on their parents’ expressions and actions, often more so than their words. It is natural for parents to not want their children to feel bad. However, children feeling badly is not a bad thing. Dismissing children’s feelings is dangerous.
Parents need to reassure their children early on and often that the divorce is not their fault.
Arguing with one’s former spouse or criticizing them in front of the children is never acceptable.
Children should never be forced to take sides in any dispute between their parents.
Let children be children. It is easy, but wrong, to make adolescent or adult children confidants in dealing with parents’ recovery and fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns, they rarely are.
Posted in Families/Children 1 Comment »
Written on
June 2, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Grand Rapids Press reports on the passing of Judge Michael Smolenski, 64, who died from a rare neurological disease.
Nardy Baeza Bickel writes (excerpt):
Rretired Michigan Appeals Court Judge Michael Smolenski passed away Saturday night after battling a rare neurological disease in recent years and five months after voluntarily retiring because of his debilitating condition.
****
Sara Smolenski described her brother as an honorable man devoted to his family, who loved outdoors and was proud of his heritage. . . .
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
June 1, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Detroit Free Press uses the Jon and Kate Gosselin saga at TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ as a springboard for a discussion about mistrust, honesty and forgiveness. And what about the children?
Erin Chan Ding writes (excerpt):
BENSKEY: You always want to reassure a child that the problem has nothing to do with them. If you’re comfortable, say you’re going to counseling to work it out. But you don’t give them details.
HOLLANDER: It’s not appropriate to be discussing your sex life with your children at all. The other thing that is really important is to acknowledge if there have been upset feelings between the couple, as opposed to pretending everything is fine. You can say, “Mommy and Daddy are having a very difficult time, and we are going to get help.”
BECKER: It’s the most difficult because kids are innocent victims… They might not know what infidelities are going on, but they know emotionally that there’s discord. Try to address it by saying, “Mom and Dad are going through hard things right now. How has that affected you?” Let them talk.
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
May 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Orlando Sentinel reports on how collaborative divorce promotes a kinder, gentler process.
Mark Schlueb writes (excerpt):
“You’re focusing on the children from the start,” she said. “And people who have been through it say they came out with communication skills they didn’t have before.”
****
“What makes judges so sad is we see people fighting desperately, but if they would refocus on what’s best for the family, they could find common ground. They’ll spend all their assets on the divorce, and all they know how to do at the end is fight,” she said. “I wish we could change the law so people had to consider collaborative law first, before they came to court to fight.”
Posted in Collaborative Divorce 1 Comment »
Written on
May 6, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Fort Worth Business Press how to work through complicated divorce issues with collaborative divorce attorneys.
Leslie Wimmer writes (excerpt):
In traditional cases “you have mom and dad either going to court or preparing to go to court and more or less preparing to say every bad thing the other parent did, every flaw in their character, every flaw in their personality,” Fuller said. “And they are organizing friends and family to come testify as to the other party’s shortcomings. At the end of the day, it’s a very destructive environment and it’s impossible for families after contested litigation to comfortably function at children’s birthday parties, high school graduations, holidays, sporting events, school events, all of those become uncomfortable for everyone, especially the children.”
In collaborative law, attorneys work with both clients in a room together to focus on the future and work to plan out finances or other complicated issues, Fuller said, adding financial advisers, property appraisers and other professionals often are brought in to help clients work out those issues.
“It’s completely different, instead of focusing on the past, you focus on the future: How are we going to function as a family with our children? How are we going to make financial arrangements work as best as they can?” Fuller said.
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Collaborative Divorce No Comments »
Written on
May 5, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN connects deforestation with weddings and divorces.
Arwa Damon writes (excerpt):
Newly married couples must plant 10 trees under the program. If they divorce, they must plant 50 others.
****
Environmental officials estimate around 50 million trees are needed in Garut alone to reverse the harm done by overfarming.
Indonesia’s government does not have the funds to pay for such an initiative. So they hope the trend of planting saplings will catch on among other newlyweds in Indonesia.
“It’s sacred and a once in a lifetime moment, so we thought that it would be a good time to encourage people’s participation,” Muharam said.
Posted in Relationships, Something Different 1 Comment »
Written on
May 5, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
guelphmercury.com shows that fighting in divorce court rarely produces a real winner.
Joanne Shuttleworth writes (excerpt):
“It’s not for everyone, but for most people, it allows more dignity and control over the matter,” Rinnie said. “With this process, we can sit down and talk about what a good solution looks like. We can get a result that is better for both parties.”
And that can only be better for children, said Annette Katchaluba, a social worker and parenting co-ordinator with the counselling firm By Peaceful Waters.
How well children recover from divorce depends on how well the two parents can deal with each other, she said.
“Sometimes we help them not be married anymore,” Katchaluba said. “You have to form a business relationship, and the business is the children. We help couples get out of the pattern of conflict.”
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Collaborative Divorce, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
May 4, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
myOptumHealth.com and KOTV show how divorcing couples use mediation to process a civilized divorce.
Lila Havens writes (excerpt):
In mediation, the couple works to reach an agreement both people think is fair. The mediator acts as a go-between to help them communicate. The couple makes the decisions, so they are more likely to stick with them. Having an agreement beforehand helps the court process go faster and smoother. It’s also more private and comfortable.
Mediation almost always costs much less than traditional divorce. Estimates put the cost of mediation around $3,000. A traditional divorce often costs many times that much.
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
May 3, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
OPRAH.com shows how connecting with another person promotes happiness.
Jessica Winter writes (excerpt):
In his view, human happiness derives neither from external validation nor solely from within, but from “between”: through the relationships created by love, work, and “something larger than yourself” — whether it’s a religious group, a volunteer organization, or a political campaign.
“If happiness comes from between,” Haidt says, “then oxytocin is the hormone of between. It’s the catalyst that helps bond people together.”
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
